antonyjcbutcher

Normally, I write to reflect once something has happened and I’m OK. Today, I’m writing about how I feel right now, and it’s hard because it’s raw and real and so I’m going to go offline once I’ve posted this because we need to talk but sometimes it’s bloody hard.

Look, I don’t want to become the moaney “oh no my life is so hard” person, but it’s taken me several hours to dress and feed myself and right now I don’t want to go out in case I see someone I know and have to pretend to be fine because if I start talking about how I’m feeling I won’t be able to keep myself together.

Tonight I’ll be on a stage doing a jokey timed powerpoint with Lizzie so I have to leave the house at some point. Tonight I’ll talk and network and joke and smile and inside wonder if I’m making it up the rest of the time.

And then tomorrow morning I’ll have to get up and start all over again, knowing that I’ve got my first counselling session at lunchtime and I’ll have to explore everything I’m feeling.

I just – I know who I am, and right now, I’m not who I am. And I’m lost. And I don’t know how to get back.