antonyjcbutcher

This weeks blog has a very simple message: Don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid to open up. It isn’t weak – it’s brave. Just so you know, this blog contains a reference to suicide.

Don’t be afraid to open up

A few years ago I was suffering quite badly with depression and I kept it hidden away from everyone because I didn’t want them to see how down I was feeling. I was in a pretty awful relationship, I was living with my parents having failed my degree and I was stuck on the dole trying to find a job. Then when the chance came up for me to try for the Royal Navy I leapt at it.

It came to a head on Boxing Day. I’d been out with my cousin and was walking along the canal and I just decided I’d had enough. I’d been knocked back by a Royal Navy medical so had lost any chance of getting the chef’s job I wanted with them . So there I was walking along the canal and I decided I was going to take my own life. And if it weren’t for the fact my cousin was there and saw what I was trying to do I would have succeeded.

I don’t remember much of what happened as I had a psychotic episode and a lot of it is a blur, what I do remember is being held back with my cousin screaming for people to help. Eventually they managed to pin me down. I was still struggling. My cousin managed to get a hold of my family who arrived to help stop me, but by this point I didn’t recognise anyone and was attacking everyone who tried to stop me. Eventually they managed to get me in an ambulance and I was taken to hospital where my parents, being medical professionals, managed to stop me potentially being held overnight for observation.

After a lot of counselling and a course of anti-depressants I’ve not had another episode like that. I still struggle on a daily basis with feelings of depression and anxiety but I’ve managed to get help and talk to people. I’m joining the police in an effort to help people who may find themselves in similar situation to show them that no matter how bad things get they will always get better.

If I could speak to my younger self, I’d say don’t be afraid to open up. If I’d opened up to my family about how I was feeling then things might not have gotten as far as they did.

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As always, if you want to chat to someone, the samaritans are always there on 116 123